Friday, May 18, 2007

A final word...

Thank you so, so much to all of you for the love you shared both here and by e-mail over the last few days. It means so much that you care, and that you 'knew' my boy. My heart shattered into a thousand pieces and my body spasmed (is that a word) for most of yesterday. I have cried and howled and now there is the ache. I need to speak out my heart - and as I am not journalling at the moment, this is where. Please do not feel you have to comment again. And, I will be posting art almost immediately afterwards.

Hamish was special. He slept right by my pillow,between me and the alam clock - and was a deaf to it as I am. Often at night he would pat me on the face to wake me, a quick cuddle and we would both go back to sleep - sometimes paw to hand for the rest of the night. Of course he also cleaned there and I sometimes got his grass seeds in my hair.

Hamish would bound up with me in the morning knowing that feeding Maggie was our first task - and most mornings I tripped over him as he wove around my feet. But always he got his three pieces of dog kibble on the laundry floor. Then he made his way to the table ( I know, I know - no animals on the table) and waited for his two squares of toast, one from each of my slices. This morning I cut his - the corner with the most butter, then realised he was not there.

Hamish loved to be in the lounge with me and slept on his couch, until the tv went off ,then he would get up and follow me, sometimes, more often he would simply stretch and look at me - waiting for me to pick him up and carry him through - head nuzzling under my chin, body relaxed against mine. He slept in the study while I created and spent more time on my bed than I ever have. He also rushed to meet me at home each afternoon - that was what he was doing when he was hit on Wednesday afternoon.

I have battled guilt, he would not have been across the road if I had not brought Archer into his life - they were only just beginning to relax with each other. But I have to let go of that too. As much as I want to rush to the garden and dig him up - just to see him one more time, as much as I want to throw myself prostrate before God and give my house, my leg, anything - there is a reality.

So many stories to tell, so much love we share. Hamish came into my life in a very special way. My very first cat as an adult was Gilbert - a beautiful short haired ginger tom. He was just over a year old when he was savaged by a dog. Hamish was born to the same mother the day he died. The timing for Hamish's entry to my life was perfect, I have to believe it was his time to go. Whatever the case, I am so, so grateful that he was in my life, that he loved me and I him.

Maggie is such a comfort through this. Charles is in shock - they came into my life within a week of each other. One winter the wind chime was their toy - I have pictures of the pattinf it back and forwards to each other on a still night - Wind Chime Tennis. Another memory.


LisaOceandreamer said...

My cat Jasper was a hellion - wild and adopted from the streets as a skinny kitten. I loved him despite all my scratches and his inability to truly love. I would hug and kiss him anyway and one day while I wasn't feeling well he came up on the bed and laid beside me for a very long time. Very out of character but I knew then I held a spot in his wild heart. One Sunday morning he begged to be let out as usual, we obliged and while eating our breakfast a call came...from a neighbor who was at the vet with him. Since it's around the corner we RAN to it, I couldn't breathe. We arrived, we had to wait, we were called in, we were told he was already gone. A dog, him in an unfamiliar yard. The wail that came out of me could be heard throughout. He died as he preferred to live, running. I feel your pain Julie. Your memories with Hamish are sweet and warm and are assured this furry boy loved you as you him. That you can carry in your heart.
My Daisy NEVER leaves this house, to imagine this....well I just can't. She follows me, she loves me and the love I have for this 4 legged creature is deep. I feel your pain Julie.
Love and hugs to you,

dogfaeriex5 said...

what a sweet soul, he is free and running amongst his friends! i know my sambucca was there to welcome him and he will keep watch..
love youu, sweet julie..

Dotee said...

I loved reading your stories about Hamish. He was such a special boy. And I am sad he left you so young.

I can only imagine your pain and send you my love. Love through my tears.

Dotee xoxo

Arty Lady's blog said...

My thoughts are with you Julie, I know how much they are a big part of our lives.

You have wonderful memories to live on.


Marie said...

Hugs and love from across the miles Julie, I know how heartbroken you must be.

miminhos das manas said...

how very sad...dont have much words to say, just that i feel your pain and it hurts me so much. :´(
(im also a crazy animal lover)
big hugs for you Paula